


Want

by bandgrad2008



Category: The Secret Circle (TV)
Genre: F/F, Mentioned Misc Pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27614918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandgrad2008/pseuds/bandgrad2008
Summary: In the end, the only one to blame for your heartbreak is yourself. You're the one that fell.
Relationships: Faye Chamberlain/Diana Meade
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Want

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FFnet March 5, 2012, as a four-part story. I condensed it into a one-shot.

You don't know why you love her. She's treated you like the ground she walks on every single day of your life since you met her, and somehow that keeps you hanging on. Because in some fucked up way, it makes you feel like you're something to her, as if the sole fact that she even notices you is enough to get you through the day. And it is, to a point. But you want her to be different. You want her to be nice to you, to _listen_ to you when you know she's putting herself and the rest of your friends in danger.

And she's been playing with danger a lot more now that she's met him.

It isn't that you're jealous of him because you're not. You know she's not interested in him, and you really don't think he's interested in her. But you _do_ have competition. And she _flaunts_ it because she knows your secret. She knows and she's threatened to tell everyone. You're nervous, frightened that she might share what you've had locked in your head and your heart for so long.

You wouldn't put it past her.

And it's not just him she shoves in your face, no, it's _her_ as well. You never thought in your lifetime that you would have ever heard her say those words, and you don't think it's even real, that she's just making it up, but you've seen the looks, the way they talk together. Something's _there_. You just don't want to believe it.

So, you busy yourself with your ex-boyfriend, who you can't even figure out anymore, and schoolwork, and you try to block her from your mind. But you can't. She's lodged herself in your thoughts like a parasite, like a contagious illness, and you're infected. You wish there was a cure, a treatment to make it less painful, but you're stuck with suffering from the disease.

You remember the day you met her. She was that girl who always stole your crayons, the one who pulled your hair when you annoyed her, the one who bullied you in the hallways and took your lunch money with no intention of ever paying you back. You would never cry at the time she did anything, and she never had the satisfaction of seeing you when you finally gave in and let the tears stain your cheeks.

When you and Adam began dating, the insults and incidents were far and few between, but they still happened. That's why you always held onto him, as if he was your human shield in the shoot-out. But when he left town for two weeks with his father, that's when things started to change. She hit you harder and with more brutality than you had ever felt in your life, not just physically, but with words and the beginning of her powers. She knew what she was, long before you knew you were the same, and she almost destroyed you.

But you didn't let her.

You fought back, you told her you weren't going to take her abuse anymore, and she stepped down. She let you win, but she didn't give in to you. She did things in spite of you, just to piss you off and maintain her confidence. She knew she could get under your skin, first with dating Jake, then taking Melissa away from you.

She took and never gave anything. The only thing she ever did _for_ you was comfort you when your dog died, and you still don't even know why she did. You thought she had changed, that she had become your friend, and she was, but she didn't treat you like one. But soon you came to terms with reality and you never tried to make her like you.

But the problem was…You loved her.

You fell in love with her, all because your dog died. No matter how many times you told yourself you were just upset, and you appreciated that she held you while you cried, it wasn't enough to sway your emotions. And you accepted it, to live with the curse. You thought you had buried it deep down, where you were sure she'd never find it, but she did. She showed up on your doorstep one night during a thunderstorm and she caught you watching her as she changed her clothes in your room. She forced it out of you when you didn't have a valid reason and she holds it over your head even to this day.

You made sure no one else found out.

With the truth in her mind, she tortured you, throwing her physical relationship with Jake in your face, kissing him every time you were around just to hurt you. And she succeeded. She would tell you _everything_ in explicit detail, and she made sure you listened. But the only thing you focused on was her, what she felt, what she saw. She didn't realize that you were learning her weaknesses while she was treating you as the weak one.

That didn't stop her, though.

Jake left and she realized she had no one to use, until she climbed in through your window and took you before Adam ever could. She marked you as her own, a puppet for her own entertainment, and you were hooked. She captured you with a single kiss and you were trapped beneath her, gasping for air and screaming her name. And the next day, she acted as though you had dreamt it, like it had never happened.

She pulled you apart from the inside out, and you willingly allowed her to destroy you, to demolish every wall you had built up to keep her out. And you learned to accept her indifference in the light. But once you were falling asleep, your window opened and she claimed you over and over, night after night.

You couldn't argue or protest because you were certain the second you did, she would turn on you. And you had seen her do it before, to Adam when he refused to take her side against you in a disagreement. She turned on Adam, spreading lies about him throughout high school, and you were sure she'd do the same.

What you want to say to her is never voiced. She allowed you to be the leader of the circle, but she never listened to you. You were sure she gave you the freedom because the others needed your guidance, but she couldn't be bothered with your rules.

The day Cassie moved in with her grandmother was the beginning of the end. Faye left you one night, curled in a ball and sobbing that you loved her, and she never came back to you. Instead you found her watching Cassie, always glancing at you when you were around at the same time, and you watched as she made her move, like a lioness after her prey. And that's how you saw it, the way Faye licked her lips while talking to Cassie, as though she was devouring her with her eyes. But you didn't doubt that _that_ was exactly what was going through her mind.

You went to bed that night, but you didn't sleep. Faye had managed to rip your heart out and impaled it on a picket fence, and all it took was her eyes on someone else. You forced yourself to let go, to pull the hook out of your heart, but it was too deep, and you gave in, drowning in your own pain. She came to you the next morning before school and filled your head with indestructible images and detail of her night, and you let her. You couldn't tell her to stop.

And with every word, you felt the scorching heat from your chest, your blood boiling as you tried to find an acceptable reason to spare Cassie's life. But you would never be able to hurt her, especially when you knew she couldn't be blamed. She was your friend and you were sure Faye had pulled her underwater the exact same way she had done to you.

But you knew Faye's weaknesses. You had learned them, memorized them even, just from her gloating and torture. When she used to come to you in the middle of the night, you knew exactly how to touch her and where without instruction, simply because she had foolishly given away her secrets, the key to unraveling her. You think that's what changed everything, why she left you, because you _knew_ her intimately.

And it scared her.

You found it hard to sleep at first, wondering why you weren't good enough for her, but when you did sleep, you couldn't wake up from your nightmares, the reality of the fact that Faye was probably fucking Cassie while you slept, while you thought of her. Because Cassie was so much better than you in every way and Faye knew it bothered you.

You always hear screams of Faye's name, but it's not always your voice. Even though it's one of the only images you have etched between your eyes, you're sure it isn't Cassie's voice either and you wondered whose it could be. You wondered if Melissa had fallen victim to Faye's games, if she had been dragged into the abyss, if she was fighting her way out of the lions' den, constantly stabbed with sharpened and blood-soaked spearheads.

In the end, the only one to blame for your heartbreak is yourself.

It didn't surprise you when she was in your room while you were sleeping, when you woke up to find her sitting in a chair and watching you. It didn't surprise you when she said she had been at Cassie's. What did surprise you was when she kissed you and took you all over again. Every time you tried to touch her, she smacked your hands away. You had thought she was done with you, that she was trying to make you suffer.

You were lying to yourself when you said she was back for you.

You came, screaming her name one final time before she let you breathe, your chest heaving. She shocks you with a gentle kiss and you close your eyes, not wanting to see her leave because you know when she disappears through that window, you'll never have her again.

When Jake came back, Faye returned to him, and you knew it was over for you. And when you realized Cassie's eyes were full of that same blackness, you knew Faye had let her fall. You held her while she cried, wondering how Faye could be so twisted. But you couldn't tell her that it was because of you. You couldn't explain that Faye never meant it and you knew that Cassie was just a victim long before she knew it.

But Jake didn't want Faye anymore.

He tried to lure Cassie into his arms, but she never fell for him. She was still wrapped around Faye's finger, and she was aware that if she went to Jake, it would anger her. She would do the same to Cassie what she had done to Adam, and no matter how hard she fought, she would never win. Instead, Cassie forced herself to feel something for Adam, even taking herself as far as sleeping with him.

It bothered you that she lied to him, but you had no business in Adam's life anymore. He wasn't yours. You lost him the moment Faye kissed you the first time, when you allowed her to bed you. But he was your friend and Cassie was your friend and they didn't belong together, especially not on such pretenses. Adam was only going to get hurt, but you weren't going to say a word.

You know this is some sick, twisted, _deranged_ circle, and Melissa's probably the only one who hasn't been spun and weaved into the web of lies and manipulation. Of course, you weren't sure anymore when you found Melissa crying in the girls' bathroom at school. But you were relieved to find out that it had nothing to do with Faye, that she had just been upset about Nick. When you asked why she had replaced you with Faye, your fears were confirmed.

Faye had stolen her, body and soul, from you.

You would have been better off shutting away the emotions that you had for her, but nothing was ever that easy. You still saw her every day, hanging onto Jake even after he didn't want her, but it was though she couldn't live without him. She was breaking you down brick by brick, until soon you would be nothing more than a slab for her own personal entertainment. You hated it, twelve years in the brutal, merciless hands of Faye Chamberlain.

But you couldn't stop it.

You couldn't tell her you wanted it to stop. There was no way to, and even if there was, you would still suffer that agonizing torture. And what more _could_ you do? She had pierced you with her claws, drawn blood, and as long as you were caught…You would never be free. But you weren't alone. She had another victim tied at her feet, free to pull around at her own will.

You just didn't know who was stronger.

When your bedroom window opened and Cassie climbed in, you were surprised. For so long, Faye had been the only one to use your window and you found yourself sobbing into your pillow as Cassie held you. She felt alone and she needed to know that she wasn't, that you were just as hurt as she was. You knew she didn't take pleasure from it…she isn't Faye.

You wondered if Jake knew, if he was aware that Faye had taken you both. If he did, he didn't care, but you were sure he didn't. And you didn't dare tell him, in fear that it would make Faye unhappy. You wouldn't survive if Faye was angry with you.

It frightened you when she finally stopped following Jake. You didn't know why, but when Faye came to you in the middle of the night, you knew you couldn't ask. And you didn't. She didn't touch you either; she didn't kiss you. You were afraid _for_ her, concerned that she was just as hurt as you were, but it didn't satisfy you. Instead, you felt guilt and uneasiness as she cried in your arms, and you wanted to know why. How could you actually care for her after she ripped your heart out over and over? Why _would_ you care?

You didn't know anything else when it came to her.

Faye sculpted you into something that affected you entirely. She made you love her, and she used it against you. She crushed you, burned you, _fucked_ you, and you never tried to change. Even though you found it impossible to, you tried to get away, to stop loving her, but you never changed. And neither did she. You both let your differences define you and no one questioned you. No one asked why.

You thought that night would change things, that because you had seen her in a vulnerable state, she would be different toward you. But she wasn't. She became a monster, tearing you apart with her teeth, and you had more marks than you had ways to cover them. You hoped no one noticed, but someone did. Cassie demanded the truth from you, pointing out that you shouldn't have let Faye own you so violently, but you knew you couldn't stop her. She didn't let you touch her, and if you did, she made sure you were suffering in pain by morning.

And you were always uncomfortable. Faye began to take you at school, in the bathroom or in a storage closet, and you ended up missing half of the next class, sobbing after she left you. You had become less than nothing to her and you weren't protesting. Your teachers were falsely concerned, pretending to care, when you were sure they knew the truth. Faye could have told the entire school by now and you probably wouldn't even know. You're so wrapped up in Faye that you just don't care anymore.

Until you ran into Jake.

He asked you what was taking place between you and Faye and you lied. You didn't want Faye to believe you were spreading lies about her, that you had told Jake anything and everything. It was something that you would suffer in silence. But when he asked you why Faye was darker lately, you had no idea. You wondered if he would ask Cassie the same, and if she would lie as well, or if she would be the fool and reveal the truth.

You were sure he didn't ask her.

Faye offered you a ride home and you couldn't say no. After all, she had brought you to school and you had no other ride. You barely made it past the front door before she had you pinned against the wall, her mouth just below your ear. But something was off. She was _gentle_ , almost as if she had never hurt you. And you were caught off-guard, confused. She didn't give you an explanation, nor did she allow you to think because this Faye, this was someone you didn't know.

You're not sure why, but you're comforted by Faye's wordless affirmation of staying the night. Your father is out for the night again and Faye has this sense of protection that you're sure is for you. You make dinner for the two of you and she holds you in her arms on the couch as you watch a movie she had been dying to see. Although she seems sincere, you're careful and you think she knows. Before long, you're on your back on the couch and she's kissing you.

But this isn't what you're used to from Faye. There's no pain, and she's treating you as though you're going to break. You risk touching her face and when she doesn't punish you or pull away, you don't move your hand. You've never seen her so concerned about anyone, but you don't have control of any single question when her mouth finds that same spot just below your ear.

And soon it's over.

She left you on the couch, out of breath, and you watched as she went upstairs, sparing one glance in your direction. You're sure that it was an invitation and when she doesn't come back, you stand and head up the stairs. You found her on your bed, holding a picture in her hands, and she looked up at you when you enter the room. She didn't speak, setting the picture on the side table and crossing your room to you. Her arms are tight around your waist, and the monster is slowly returning. You can see the struggle in her eyes as she fights to defeat it. You kiss her, silently promising her that she won't lose.

She stayed the night and for once you held her without touches, without sex, and it made you feel like you meant something to her. You woke before she did and made coffee and breakfast, which she thanked you for. You weren't sure if this would ever last, and when you both went to school, she didn't acknowledge you.

It was perfect while it lasted.

You knew she would never be the same as she was last night, but you wished more than ever that she would just love you. She wouldn't; she was too brash to ever love anyone and suddenly it made sense why she left you in the first place, why she blackmailed you, why she caused you nothing but pain.

She was afraid.

But it wasn't her fault. The only person she had in her life was her mother and that woman was the epitome of brash. Faye could have only learned from the best how to push people away, how to use and manipulate them into doing whatever she wanted. That's why she was so skilled in the art. But there was also Jake, who helped her in believing that love didn't exist.

She's a hollow shell that is filled with emptiness and hatred, and the monster inside of her feeds off of others' pain. There's nothing she can do about it, except to continue causing others to suffer, mostly you. And it hurts you worse knowing that you're her wall, that she tore you down when she needed to hold herself up. She destroyed you.

And you let her.

You let her take you in her hands and mold you like putty. She didn't even force you; she didn't have to. You knew what she was when you met her, when you fell in love with her, when she took advantage of you the first time. And yet…none of that changed your mind. You wanted to make her feel something.

But you didn't.

You scared her and forced her away. You used her own game against her, and she couldn't understand how you could have beaten her. But you don't feel like you've defeated her. Instead, you felt worse, you were suffering more, and it was as though the torture had seeped into your skin, becoming a part of you. No matter where you were, you felt nothing but sorrow, especially when thoughts of her haunted you every day.

But the circle repeated when you noticed Faye staring at Cassie again. And you felt the knife twist in your heart when you realized you would give anything for her to stare at you like that, even if all you were was just prey to her. She didn't glance at you, but Cassie did. And you realized that she was terrified, that she wanted out of this. And you wanted her out of it. You wanted Faye to leave her alone.

Faye returned to you the next morning and tormented you with highlights of her night with Cassie, as she had done so many times before, but you were done. You were going to end her little game and everything else that came with it. And you didn't care if you scared her into oblivion; you just wanted to be done with this.

You would make her love you.

You spent more time with Cassie, which Faye didn't like, but she didn't do anything about it. You could see her glaring at you in the hallways, and if looks could kill. You were sure you would be dead by now. She approached you about it, told you to stay away from Cassie. But you couldn't. The girl was helpless on her own, especially after Faye had gotten to her and stolen her soul, in a sense.

Cassie avoided Faye like the plague for weeks while you took it upon yourself to distract Faye. You needed to pull her in, reverse her hold over you, and make sure she was stuck. This wasn't about hurting her or treating her the same way she treated you; revenge never solved anything. You _needed_ her, more than you ever wanted her.

But over and over she twisted that want and need into something darker. It wasn't that you couldn't function without her, obviously you could, but you had become addicted. She was a drug that had been injected against your will, and she forced you into withdrawal.

You saw her with Melissa, but it was different. Faye was treating her as she should be, and you felt the jealousy in the pit of your stomach, eating away at you. You chose to ignore it, watching them closely, as if waiting for evidence that Faye was simply pretending. But she wasn't. Melissa was as comfortable as you were uncomfortable, and it hurt you. It wasn't something you understood; you had never been considered an equal in Faye's eyes, just an object purely for her entertainment.

No more.

You grabbed her wrist in front of everyone in the hallway and dragged her to your car while she protested. She shut up when you shot her a look and threw her in the backseat, and you made sure she felt every single drop of pain that coursed through your veins as she writhed beneath you, unable to breathe.

She apologized, but that only made it worse.

You watched her run away from you while you cried, the guilt of what you had done chewing your insides and spitting them out. You had become a monster, no different than her, but you would never let it happen again. She avoided you for the rest of the day, averting her eyes if you were close enough, and you wanted to apologize. You wanted to tell her that you were sorry for standing up to her, but you couldn't.

Because you weren't.

You had unintentionally struck fear in her and she would never forgive you, but you couldn't forgive her either. For twelve years, she was unforgivable. And suddenly, that was all that made sense. You were the same, the emptiness burying itself deep inside you, hiding from curious eyes. It burrowed, clutching what it could, dragging its razors along the linings of your soul. You could never save yourself.

You found yourself standing on the pier that night, and you couldn't help but wonder how easy it would be to dive into the darkness, to never surface again. But the more you thought about it, the harder it became. Moments passed before you finally sank to your knees and squeezed your eyes shut, hoping you could stop the tears. You couldn't and you didn't know whether it was because of what you had wanted to do or if it was because you couldn't do it.

You barely heard the footsteps behind you.

A hand clamped down on your shoulder, and you choked on your sobs, unable to notice that someone was holding you and whispering words that should have been comforting, but they weren't. They only made you cry harder and soon you didn't even know why you were crying anymore. But you couldn't stop. Everything was pouring itself out in forms of warm, tiny droplets of water. You heard your name in Faye's voice.

And then you fell apart completely.

Other voices filled your ears and you realized it wasn't in your head, her voice taunting you. Faye was holding you on the dock while you were broken, saving you from yourself. It wasn't until you were in your bed, her arms around you, that you realized she was genuinely concerned that you were going to end your life. She was whispering your name over and over, as though she was a track on loop. She seemed to be assuring herself that you were, indeed, lying in her arms.

You took a chance and kissed her. She didn't react, but you didn't think she was surprised. Pulling away, you averted your eyes, wishing she had done something, _anything_ , that would have made you feel less like a fool, but she only closed her eyes and rolls away from you. You don't know what she's thinking or why she's acting so different.

You wish you could hide.

The two of you lie there in unbearable silence for what seems like hours before she finally turns her head to look at you, but you pretend not to notice. Her hand found yours beneath the blanket and she slipped her fingers between yours. But you don't move. She pulled you close to her and kissed your hand, and you're so confused by her actions that you don't know if she's pretending. You'll be damned if you let her win, but you don't know what to do.

She whispered your name and your eyes met hers and they were so warm, so _unlike_ her. And then it became clear to you that she wanted to hold you and that she wasn't going to touch you in any other way. But you were afraid. The fact that she might actually be honest at that moment scared you.

Every day after that, Faye began to change. She fought the demon within her, that constant beast of torture and pain, and you stood by her. You made her love you, your sorrow disintegrating every time she looked at you, and everything was different. You lived in open secret, without announcing and without hiding.

But years passed.

It wasn't long before the pain resurfaced, before the monster began its terror all over again. You both fought it, fought each other, but it only made things worse. It tormented you over and over, and you were reminded of everything before. And this time, you knew you couldn't defeat it. You gave up and accepted the wedge placed between you and Faye.

You left her and tried to move on with your life. But the pain burned you, consumed you like fire. You saw her every day in the streets, passing you by, but she never said a word to you. And you never spoke to her. It was as though you were both living in silent agreement, but when you went home after seeing her, you fell to pieces.

You met her again at the pier, both of you trying to forget that night, when you had almost killed yourself because of her. You barely remember it, mostly because of your realization, but she was there for everything. You wanted her to be everything in your life.

And that was when she fell in love with you.


End file.
